America's Next Top Model Cattiness and Bitchery by Cher
Hey everyone, I'm back from the dead for the latest cycle of America's Next Top Model after my prolonged absence that in no way involved little men in white coats and padded walls. How dare you think such a thing! Actually the "real" reason I stopped recapping ANTM is actually a very cute story that involves a missing ear, two pregnant goats and Ashton Kutcher twitter updates. But I won't have time to go into it now, so let's recap (at the middle of the cycle already).
So up until now, this season has consisted of the usual cattiness and bitchery that we've come to expect along with the twist that the girls are shorties who wouldn't be touched in the real modeling world. There have been sob stories and backstabbing, Tyra talks about herself a lot and Miss J is sadly, still around. So it's just like every other season. Except the girls are oompa loompas.
We start the show with 7 girls left. Rae, a pretty forgettable blonde, says she misses her daughter but must have demonstrated that love by dropping the small child like a hot potato when reality TV beckoned. Erin, who in her makeover was made into Edgar Winter (seriously), hates Nicole, who is the "awkward" girl of the season and harkens back to Heather from a previous cycle.
Tyra Mail! [i]You think you know this competition inside and out? We'll see![/i] Oh boy! Autopsy photos! I wonder who will have the prettiest spleen? Sadly, this is only slight less tragic as the girls meet with Ant (yes he calls himself that) who is a supposed comedian. Ant, who is a less talented version of Mario Cantone and the really skinny blonde lady from The Insider (I know, which one?) tells the girls that they need to learn to be correspondents and then does a series of unfunny characters as the girls interview him. Then the girls go off to a studio where the every fugly Ann Shoket from Seventeen magazine tells them they will be interviewing some chick from 90210. And this is where I tell CW - STOP TRYING TO MAKE 90120 HAPPEN! AND MELROSE PLACE! 10 bucks says that we'll be seeing The Heights next. How do you talk to an angel beoytch?
The girl whose name I keep forgetting from 90210 is interviewed by each model as skinny blonde lady watches and makes comments. The twist here is that they start with a teleprompter then stop it suddenly with gobbly speak to confuse the models. Like that takes a lot. Ha. Jennifer is very good and relaxed. Sundai asks her if it was hard for her to adapt from Canada. The wild exotic place that is Canada. Laura is dyslexic and has a hard time but seriously, you can’t fault her for that. Erin is really good but I can’t get past her Edgar Winter appearance. Brittany is blank. Rae slouches. Nicole calls the actress a “washed up child star” at 20 years old. In the end, Erin wins and she gets to take two girls for a Seventeen shoot. She chooses Jennifer and Rae. They take pictures. The end.
Back at the house, the doorbell rings and the girls are presented with boxes filled with candy! Nah, no candy. Booze? No. Clothes? Nuh-uh. Nope, its Exact Eyelash crap Cover Girl make-up something or other. It’s time for Cover Girls commercials and the girls need to write their own scripts and memorize them. Erin writes hers in 10 minutes and then rather obnoxiously yells “DONE!” while the other girls look at her in disgust. Surely hers will go well.
The girls are hauled off to the studio where they meet with Teyona who won last year (which is the one I didn’t watch because I was in a uh….secret place,) and she tells them how bad she sucked at her commercial last year, which is surely a sign that the right winner has been chosen. Come to think of it, I haven’t even see a CG commercial this season with her which meant she must have REALLY sucked, if she couldn’t’ do as good as say…Whitney. Just bake some cupcakes and ride around on a bike already.
So with that vote of confidence, it’s time for commercials. Nicole is up first and screws up at first then turns on the shine and does awesome. Awkward girls rule! Sundai does her best time-share salesperson impersonation and Nigel who is directing the commercials calls her “amateur”. Meanwhile Erin interviews that she is “a winner”. Which means she will suck, unless you’ve never seen a episode of ANTM before, in which case, I envy you. Jennifer rocks it like the casbah. Laura screws up a lot but is severely dyslexic so really can’t blame her. Brittany is a Stepford wife. Seriously and I half expected her to say “I’ll simply die if I don’t get this recipe” while smoke comes out of her ears. Rae is forgettable. Finally we have Erin who predictably louses it up big time but then has to have her make-up retouched 4 times because she can’t stop crying. And this is the worst Cover Girl commercial because this episode taught me that Exact Eye Lights mascara is not water-proof. Way to go CG!
Tyra Mail! One of these girls is going to have to be short at home. We lost Paulina so we get guest judges and this time it’s Kim Kardashian who is known for….who is talented….at…….who is at least…..Okay, she was Paris Hilton’s BFF and had a sex tape. So she’s a good modeling judge. The prizes are essentially the same except Elite will not have these munchkins as models so the contract is with Wilhemina. Tyra looks pissed and not happy to be there, so this should be fun and it’s time for individual evaluations:
Jen is great and rocked it. Laura is dyslexic and even Tyra wouldn’t be cold enough to diss her. Brittany was robotic, Nicole started out nervous but did great, Rae was boring, Sundai was a rushed salesman, Erin cried and looked pissed off in the end. After deliberations, where nothing of interest is said, the names called are: Jen, Nicole, Brittany, Sundai, Laura and we’re down to Erin and Rae who walk up to Tyra with their arms around each other, and seriously, they look creepy. With the same blonde hair, blue eyes, and bleached eyebrows, all I can think of is that the Village of the Damned kids grew up and wanted to model. But before you can say… A brick wall... a brick wall... I must think of a brick wall... a brick wall... Rae is sent packing so she can try again to be some sort of mother to the daughter she left behind.
Next week on America's Next Top Model: The girls are still short!
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