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 American Idol
Auditions in San Francisco, CA
We're back on the West Coast with this episode of Fox' American Idol! San Francisco was home to such eclectic talents as Katharine McPhee and William Hung. We also have our first AI proposal/marriage in the audition line. Whaaa?!
ANYWAY, Kara is wearing a wack-looking grey studded dress with holes all up on the sleeve and neckline. Paula is wearing a Steve Tyler cast off outfit. And in this episode, we meet three of the most common American Idol archetypes: Multi-Hyphenate Bad Singer, Multi-Instrumentalist Bad Singer and Overly Analytical Bad Singer. And awaaaay we go! A Demented Singer-Songwriter-Actress-Model-Assistant Director-Believer in Psychics
Tatiana Del Tor, the first contestant we meet in San Francisco, is a certified LOOON! She's wearing a completely ridiculous animal print /tie dye dress with various shades of blue tulle coming out like a mermaid's tail. It's like she's competing in an imaginary Tim Burton beauty pageant!!!! Her insanity is hinted at by her multi-hyphenate profession, predicated by the fact that her eyes don't match any of the emotions she is portraying, and enhanced by a vacant warbly laugh that reminds me of Isla Fisher in “Wedding Crashers”. She comes into the audition with a press kit that features some rather “naughty” photos. After all this madness, she sings Aretha Franklin and it's...GOOD? Huh?! Everyone is freaked out by how um...INSANE she is, but she gets through to Hollywood with some begging and Disney heroine dramatics (hands to the heart and eye lash batting)!
Bad Singing Montage: A dude does some really freaky beat boxing and there's an off-key version of “We Built This City”.
Plaid Techni-color Dream Coat
This dude, Dean-Anthony Bradford, is a “failed entrepreneur” who is wearing a wool coat and mutton chops straight outta Tyler Perry's “Great Expectations”. Making things even weirder, he sings Simply Red in a completely over-the-top belt. He obviously won't be going to Hollywood, and we are left wondering if he was a just another crazy person or just another quirky person.
Just Another Dad
Jesus Valenzula is a dad who show up with like 10 kids holding signs, though I'm not sure how many of these offspring are actually his. He sings a completely mediocre version of a very sexual Usher song. The judges are unimpressed, but they ask him to bring his kids in (apparently only two little boys were his). He gets to a kid-appropriate song, and Simon says no. Jesus gets a pity vote from Paula, Kara and Randy. Simon deadpans: “Boys, we did it.” Hahaha. The family is so excited, they almost forget to get the ticket from Hollywood Lady, whom I've surmised to be a different PA in every city. They're all blonde, but this one is the youngest yet!
Smart Contestant
Dalton Powell solves a Rubix cube in under 25 seconds in front of the camera. Then he walks into the audition room, admitting to the judges that he's really nervous. He closes his eyes and sings Smokey Robinson in a register previously unheard by man. Kara asks if he's ever sung before and he says “Not in front of people”. It's obviously a no, but Simon seems pleased that he's shown “great intelligence” in this competition.
 I'm really missing the montages in this episode, although there is tons more Ryan! But when we come back from commercial...
...Cara v. Simon Montage!!! We're treated to clips of the two judges going after each other.
Gospel Singing Theorist
Aquila Eskew-Gholston has Internet print-outs about how to train as a gospel singer, which provides the basis for her to mispronounce every part of the human anatomy. Her craziness manifests itself in facial twitches that make Al Sharpton look sedate. She sings an original song, Make Sweet Love, which is horrendous. She then tries to sing Aretha and messes up, explaining that she sang out of the wrong “rectum”, which is located in the “lyginical quartages”. Right. So obviously Hollywood is not gonna happen, and in the most intuitive moment of the season, Aquila states that she feels like “one of those auditioners who can't sing”.
 Montage of good singers who make it through. Yaaay! Apparently they're good, but not craaaaazy enough to have their whole auditions shown. That's right - precious airtime is reserved for the crazies.
Drunken Sober Jazz Singer
Annie Murdoch dresses like she's from the 90s. Seriously: a choker, black spandex graphic print shirt, “Angels” jeans and “The Rachel” hairdo?! She sings an atrocious rendition of “Summertime” even though she allegedly plays three instruments and loves to scat “like Ella”. Simon says she sounds drunk. See ya later, lady!
 Rock Star-looking Musical Theatre Guy
Taking a cue from David Cook, Adam Lambert has a reverse mullet (party in the front/business in the back) and an American Apparel outfit. He's obviously a really good singer and was in the touring cast of Wicked, but his version of Queen's “Bohemian Rhapsody” was too theatrical. Still, he makes it through because he obviously has talent.
Full-Time Son, Part-Time Musician
Kai Colama has to put his dreams aside to take care of his mom, who is really sick. It's really touching and his mom gets weepy over what a great son he is. He sings a classic, “Smoke Gets in Your Eyes”, by The Platters. It starts off a little shaky, but his soulful baritone and sense of rhythm come through in the end. Simon says he has a great voice, but sounds like a cruise ship singer. Everyone agrees that his stage presence needs improvement. Simon says Kai should watch him (Simon) for tips on confidence. Oh Simon....
The episode wraps up with a bunch of happy dances and we're told that American Ido will be hitting up the Kentucky Derby next. Big hats, big voices? Or big shits, big disappointments?
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