Picture by FOX
By Tyler

Cartman has his heart broken this week when Heidi breaks up with him. He convinces her to give him another chance, and she agrees as long as he becomes a vegan with her. At first, he complains relentlessly, but after she tells him about Beyond Meat, a plant-based meat substitute, he realizes he can trick her by writing “Beyond” on fast food bags and eating as he normally does. When his trickery causes Heidi to put on some weight, he starts to make fun of her behind her back for it, and Kyle decides he’s had enough of watching Cartman manipulate and abuse his girlfriend. When he tries to talk to Heidi about her relationship, though, Kyle learns that all the other girls make fun of Heidi for dating Eric, and it’s made her so defensive that she continues to go out with him just so she doesn’t have to admit she made a mistake. Kyle tries to tell the other girls to go easy on Heidi, and in doing so he realizes that he has a crush on her.

Meanwhile, in Washington D.C., the president’s advisors walk into the oval office just in time to hear him calling a foreign diplomat a “Polish midget.” They tell him that ties to Russia have made people start to question his oath to the office, but he brushes it off and tells them to put a positive spin on the situation. He says his oath to the office was that he would “F*ck everyone to death,” and after closing the door he tells them that he hopes they brought condoms. Paul Ryan subsequently gives an interview with a black eye covered white liquid. He tells the reporter he tripped onto a doorknob, and “that’s doorknob cum.” Later, the President’s advisors give him a cake in celebration of his first year in office, but when he stands up he’s wearing a giant pink dildo, and says, “I think the next three years are going to be even better.”

Back at school, Kyle talks to Heidi again, and they have a heart-to-heart conversation about Cartman. She breaks up with Cartman and begins to hang out with Kyle. Cartman, distraught, goes to Token’s house because he wants to “disrespect the flag and flip over cars” with him and his family. There he finds out about Kyle and Heidi, and he immediately goes from miserable to enraged. He tries to fight Kyle but gets knocked out immediately.

Heidi goes out with the girls, but they continue to berate her for dating Cartman when all she wants is support, which drives her right back to Cartman. He convinces her that Kyle used his Jewish sneakiness to drive them apart, and they end up together once again, and once again a new layer of dysfunction is added to their relationship.


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